Intermediate Retroactive Self Care
by JForward
Summary: Jeff storming out of the study room isn't that rare, but he's acting stranger than usual. Annie thinks she knows why - and isn't going to let him run away this time.


W/N: My last fic was an utter failure so here's hoping this one's better. I'm still looking out for collabs/roleplayers, throw me a buzz if you're interested. TW's for implied self harm.

Annie was staring at him. And not in that sort of sneaky, I'm don't think anyone's looking at me so I'm going to make a Disney face at you way that Jeff had sort of become accustomed to. Disconcerting? Yes. Flattering? Undoubtedly. Problematic? Potentially. But as it stood now, he had decided it was a sideline that he was going to ignore. The rest of the group were actually reading, making notes, generally quiet. Even he'd been leaning down over his book, rather than his phone. The focus was intense - that had a final next week. But Jeff knew that the tension in the room was building, would break eventually.

He didn't expect it to be him.

"Alright, Annie, what is it?!" he snapped, and everyone startled, looking up at him. But he didn't look away from her. She opened her mouth, looked down at her notes, doing the fluttery thing.  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
"You've been staring at me for the last ten minutes, Annie! Do you have any idea how disconcerting that is?"  
"Jeff, I wasn't - I, uh -" she looked down at the book on the table again. "You have something on your wrist."

His eyes immediately swivelled down, look at his arms, before twisting them so that his palms were flat on the desk.  
"That would be a wrist watch, Annie." he said, in a tense voice that said 'do not push this.' The rest of the room were now staring at them, but he still didn't break his blue eyes from her green ones.

"I - yeah. Sorry. Must've just been the… light on the … strap. Yeah." she looked down at her book again. Jeff did the same, though he looked considerably paler and more uncomfortable than before. After a moment, he pulled down his sleeves, doing up the buttons. Everyone looked up and was staring at him as he did so, with short, rough jerks. Troy frowned ever so slightly.  
"You alright, man?"  
"Yes, I'm fine, Troy." Jeff snapped back. "Just… cold."

"Hah! Why don't you put on a scarf, then, like a real gay boy does when he gets cold?" Pierce mocked and Jeff looked ready to bite his head off.  
"Shut up, Pierce." he snarled. Shirley glanced between the two of them, her expression showing just how she felt about it. "And would you all stop fucking staring at me? There's nothing wrong!"

"Jeff, we're not staring at you to make you uncomfortable, we're worried about you. You've barely said anything all day-"  
"Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to talk today." he slammed his book shut, getting to his feet, turning to walk off. The majority of the table called out, trying to get him to come back, but he didn't even care.

The group adjourned ten minutes later, claiming to have things to do, wanting to study at home, people to see… but Annie was fairly sure she knew what she'd seen. Hesitating in her car, she finally made a decision. Yeah, she might've never actually _been there _but she did know where Jeff lived. Just for … reasons. Like this reason. A very important mission of mercy, she considered it, pulling up outside the smart apartment block. Looking up at this place made her own feel like a horrible, dingy little thing… hell, it was. She lived above a dong store, of all places, in one of the worst neighbourhoods around. If Jeff considered this apartment a downgrade, she found herself wondering just how nice his condo had been.

Looking at the list of names at the entrance, she found his, and walked up the stairs nervously. She brought her schoolbag, not sure why, but feeling it's familiar weight over her shoulder gave her confidence. Reaching up, she gave a firm knock on the door, waiting. A moment later, there was a soft 'what?' on the other side, before Jeff opened the door, squinting down at her.

"Annie. Why are you at my apartment?" he asked, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. He leant against the doorframe, letting the door move to rest on him, so that there was no clear opportunity for her to enter. His inside hand rested on the handle.  
"Well, I, uh. I came to talk to you. Can I come in?" she tilted her head, adopting her pleading face.

A deep groan escaped Jeff's throat, and he tilted his head back, shutting his eyes. "You. Are. Dangerous." he informed her, before flicking the door open and stepping away, walking towards his couch. "Make the lecture quick, Annie, I'm going jogging in like, ten minutes, alright?" he'd gotten changed into his jogging clothes, the sleeveless shirt and long shorts. A grey hoodie hung over the back of his sofa. But maybe that would work well for what she was planning. Following him into the room, she let her eyes flicker around. Putting down her bag near the door, she perched on the couch, looking across at him. It wasn't a giant couch, but with just two of them there was a fair distance between the two. He entwined his fingers, arms resting on his knees, leaning forward, and tilting his face towards her. His expression was edging from annoyed into pissed.

Annie's eyes moved around the apartment, a faint frown on her lips.  
"You don't suit this place."  
"I'm sorry, what?"  
"This is all… grey and blank and boring. It doesn't suit you."  
"These are lawyer colours. Steel and black and glass. It's modern." he objected.

"Yeah, but you're not - I mean. You're more colourful than that. You should have some personal effects and stuff." she looked up at one of the prints on the wall, frowning and tilting her head slightly. "You're actually a person, Jeff. I think you should remember that." feeling a little proud, she smiled brightly at him, but he scowled, holding up his hands slightly.  
"Alright. Now that you've criticised my taste in decoration, why have you come to harass me, Annie?" and her face fell ever so slightly.

Instead of speaking, she slid down to sit next to him, close enough that their legs were touching. The expression on his face shifted to confusion as she reached out, took ahold of his arm gently. He flinched, jerked his hand back, but Annie gave him a look and reached out once more. This time, Jeff didn't pull away, though his heart was racing and there was too much saliva in his mouth. His throat kept bobbing as he swallowed repeatedly.

"Annie, I-"  
"There was a girl in my narcotics group." she started telling him, her voice very soft, one hand holding his arm and the other very gently trailing over the skin on his wrist. "She started wearing gloves. Long sleeved gloves. But she was getting better, so nobody thought anything of it. Then one day, she just… didn't turn up." her throat bobbed, and she entwined a hand with his.

"Annie." there was a hint of pity in his voice, a hint of worry, "I'm not some girl in your narcotics class. I'm Jeff Winger, alright? I'm-" he'd hitched a cocky smile into place, given a hint of a smile, but she shook her head ever so slightly.  
"I know what this is about, Jeff. If you were fine, you wouldn't be doing this. Please. Just _talk _to me. We're your friends, alright?"  
"You called me out in front of the whole group!"  
"Yeah, but you trusted the group enough to have your sleeves up."  
"No, Annie, that is because this is not a normal thing for me, and I'm not in the habit of depriving the world of my forearms, okay?"

She shook her head ever so slightly, sighing. Her hands kept moving over the marks; the ones up higher, where his watch normally sat, red or pink. Then lower down, gently dusting white lines that faded out to nothing. She could see the layering under the skin, where old ones had been healed over and new ones scored at some point.  
"When did it start?" he let out a sigh through his nose, "I'm serious, Jeff! I'm not going to tell anyone. I promise."

His eyes shut and he exhaled slowly, getting a grip on himself.

"Alright. Fine. I - when I was a kid. Not long after dad left. After - after I - did something else. I figured out - uh." he swallowed hard, frowned at the floor, clenched his jaw. "The pain made me feel better. And so I just… kept doing it. Whenever I couldn't handle it. Of course, I can handle everything just fine. I'm a grown ass man. It's been a long time since-" her hand tightened on his arm and he winced, slightly.

"Jeff, I'm not an idiot, alright? These are red. They're recent. I'm not an idiot." he let out a frustrated noise, and she pouted at him again.

"Oh, goddamnit, Annie! You should be banned from using that face." he tilted his head back, "They're… from last week, alright? Just the two at the top. I just lost balance a bit, I couldn't focus, and it helped. I'm in control. I haven't done that since I got debarred. Last year." Annie's face softened in concern. Then narrowed. She peered at his wrist again. "I'm not a book of cuts, Annie!" he snapped, but she shook her head.  
"Jeff. I can see the ones -" she traced a finger over some others, just under. "- these are definitely more recent than last week." she could feel the muscles tensing in his arm, the way he was grinding his teeth. As much as Jeff loved talking about himself, this was pushing him hard.

"They, uh - those two are from last week. I haven't for a few days now, I started again when I lost my condo. Being here has … helped. Having a home again. I got control of myself. I'm fine." he gave her a brief smile, but it dropped away quickly.

"I thought there was nothing more important in the world than Jeff Winger." her voice was very soft, lightly teasing.

"There's not. They're just… marks, on the temple. I still use coconut oils on them to minimize the scars."  
"Jeff, I know you. You wouldn't do this kind of thing for attention, you're not Pierce."  
"Well, thank god for that." he couldn't keep the dry sarcasm out of his voice. "Thank you for reassuring me that I am not a racist old man."

She let out a very faint giggle, and finally released his arm. Automatically, he pulled it close and pressed it to his chest.

"Jeff, I'm not going to tell anyone." her features had softened quite considerably, and she leant up near him. He leant away slightly, meeting her eyes. "But I think you should. Not Pierce, obviously, but I think they should know about this." he opened his mouth to object, cheeks twitching up, disparaging appearance showing he was most definitely not a fan of this idea.

"I'm serious!"  
"So I can hear Britta getting all freaked out about how I'm - I dunno - pushing a system designed to help females onto myself, so that Abed can deconstruct every inch of me and make me out to be like a dozen self-harmers in some TV show, so that Shirley can either squeak at me and spend the next week trying to pat me to show solidarity, or cursing me in the name of the Lord? No, I don't think so, Annie. It's a nice idea, but no dice. I have control over this."

"Oh, right, so much control." now irritation crossed into her voice. "So much that you storm out of the room when one of your friends tries to help you!"  
"I don't need help with this, Annie! I'm a man. I'm a mature adult, I was a lawyer, and I'm not going to tell a whole room of people who actually care about myself that I cut my fucking wrists!"

She looked away from him, eyebrows drawing together, a pouty frown on her face.

"I'm sorry, Jeff. I'm pushing you too hard. I just -" she got to her feet, moving away from him, towards the door. "I'll let you be."

"Annie, wait." he stood up as well, staring after her, expression a little broken. "You, uh. Maybe I had my sleeves up because I wanted someone to notice. I don't know. You're better at that shit than I am. I'm a good liar, I can defend people, but when it comes to myself… I guess all I have is my looks and my charm." he gave her a bit of a smile. It dropped away as he walked towards her, "Sometimes, I just - don't cope. I guess you can understand what it's like to want nothing more than to focus, and nothing works so you get… desperate. And when you manage it, it feels good." he'd reached her now, a hand extending to catch her fingertips. "So you don't wanna stop. And it's the hardest thing in the world. I, uh." he met her eyes, then looked away, swallowing hard. "I'm glad you noticed, Annie. Just please don't tell Pierce."

She laughed softly.  
"I promise."

There was a moment of quiet, just standing, that was starting to get awkward.

"When you, uh, when you get hurt, your body releases a chemical. That's the rush you get when you hurt yourself, that's why-"  
"- Yeah, I know, Annie. But uh. Thanks." He released her hand and took a half step back. "Don't worry about me. I'll see you tomorrow, alright." she nodded, but he found himself not moving back. Their eyes met again. And without consciously acknowledging it, the two leant in together.

W/N: I might continue this if there's enough interest. If you have any suggestions or ideas on where it should go, I'm happy to hear them 8)


End file.
